


Kiss Me Like a Stranger Once Again

by thereweregiants



Series: Headlines from the Onion [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Blackwatch Era, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Constipation, M/M, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 18:19:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15846774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereweregiants/pseuds/thereweregiants
Summary: They wake up in bed with no memory of the night before.It just gets worse from there.based off the Onion headline: Trump Boys Frantically Burning Stacks Of Printed-Out E-mails to Eliminate Paper Trail





	Kiss Me Like a Stranger Once Again

**Author's Note:**

> i dunno friends  
> i can't tell if I like it or not any more I just want it out of my drafts
> 
> title from Tom Waits ["Kiss Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qy7Tt84d1Q)  
> written mostly to Brown Bird's Salt for Salt

Consciousness slammed into Jesse like a bullet into meat.

His eyes squinted open for a moment, then closed as he cursed the sunlight. He then cursed, in order: his own body, his ability to go from dead sleep to full wakefulness in a split second, and for good measure all recent decisions that led to this point. He was obviously, painfully hungover, and must have been truly drunk to open his room’s blackout curtains that he pretty much never touched.

Jesse rolled to his side, ordering his stomach to stay put. His eyes drooped open with the new angle and he found himself looking at an unfamiliar nightstand and closet door. Well, then. The fact that it wasn’t his room explained the light. He cautiously pushed himself upright and swung his legs over the edge of the bed onto the floor, head bowed in pain. The bed had far higher-quality sheets then Jesse was used to, which he could immediately feel because he was definitely not clothed.

Sitting up, Jesse could see his reflection in a mirror on the closet door. He looked like absolute hell - hair looking like it was yanked in every direction before being electrocuted, drool marks on the side of his face, and dark circles under his eyes that looked like they had been punched there. Jesse saw his own eyes widen in his peripheral vision as he looked at the rest of his body. It was a distinct possibility that he’d been mauled during the night. Scratches down his chest and sides, dark marks scattered over his collarbone - was that a _bite mark_ on his shoulder? As he twisted to look, he felt a familiar ache in his hips that he hadn’t experienced in quite some while. Oh. That explained the marks, at least. Twisting back he felt a squelch, and dismally hoped that it was just lube. The drip down the back of his thigh as he carefully stood crushed that hope as Jesse gathered the courage to turn around.

The room was...vaguely familiar, in the way that all Blackwatch quarters were. Big, though, at least twice the size of Jesse’s own, and he had a decently-sized room thanks to his second-in-command status. A knot of fear and hope and other unnamed emotions formed in Jesse’s chest, as he ran through the short list of people who could have rooms like this. He turned and looked at the bed, trying to keep his breathing even as he looked at the sleeping, naked form of Gabe Reyes. _Commander_ Gabriel Reyes.

Jesse took a long moment to appreciate the bare body that he’d imagined but had only seen clothed before starting to look around for his clothing. If he focused on that, he wouldn’t have to think about the person still in the bed. The room was neat as a pin so scattered clothing should have stood out, but the floors were empty. He padded quietly into the living area, and finally found his boxers dangling off of a hanging plant. Pausing in amusement at the fact that Gabe had hanging plants, Jesse pulled the boxers on before failing to find any of his other clothes.

His own quarters were two hallways over, and even though the base should be empty he still didn’t want to give the surveillance system a show. It was the winter holiday, and nearly all of Blackwatch and Overwatch had spread across the globe to spend time with loved ones. Jesse, Gabe and Genji were still here - a minimum of two agents were required to be on base at all times, and it had become tradition over the years for it to be the three of them. Out of everyone in the organization, only they had no family to go home to. Right now, however, even Genji was gone for a few days, using the downtime to try and get his finicky arm disassembled and cleaned out at a clinic in Scandinavia that Torbjörn had recommended.

Jesse went back into the bedroom and started pulling open drawers as quietly as he could, trying to find a pair of pants.

“Jesse?” came a rasp from the bed. He turned to see Gabe gingerly turning over in bed, pushing himself upright on stiff arms.

“Uh. Hi, Gabe.”

Gabe massaged his temples with his eyes closed, and Jesse took the opportunity to glance over what he could see of him. He winced internally to recognize his own handiwork in a large mark on the side of his throat. He liked necks, okay, and Gabe had a particularly nice one.

“Why are you here? And going through my drawers?”

“I...don’t rightly remember. And I couldn’t find any of my clothin’ so I was going to borrow some pants so I could get back to my quarters.”

Gabe cracked an eye before closing it again. “One drawer down.”

Jesse opened it as instructed and pulled out a pair of regulation sweatpants that just about fit. While he was pulling the pants on Gabe had levered himself up to look at himself in the mirror that Jesse had been using earlier. Jesse felt his face heat as he watched Gabe poke a finger at the hickey on his neck and wince. He caught Jesse’s eyes in the mirror, and Jesse couldn’t look away.

“Did you decide to take up a second job as a vampire?”

Jesse shrugged, feeling a twinge from his back. God knew what was back there, if his front was any indication. “Looks like you got off easy to me.”

Gabe turned to look Jesse in the face, frowning, until his eyes moved down his ravaged chest. His cheeks turned a dull red, something Jesse hadn’t known his face was capable of. “Toss me a pair of pants,” he said in a rough voice. Jesse did so, turning to give some ironic privacy as Gabe slid out of bed to put them on.

Jesse sat in an armchair in the corner as Gabe perched on the edge of his bed and stared at his feet. “I don’t remember much of anything from last night. We were...drinking? On...the roof?” He sounded almost lost, something else Jesse didn’t know was possible from the man.

“That’s about the last thing I remember, too.” Jesse swallowed hard and coughed. “Let’s...let’s clean up, get some coffee, try and put the pieces together, okay?”

Gabe nodded and stood, moving to the closet. Jesse audibly choked as he saw fingerprint bruises vanishing under the waistband of the sweatpants, and he waved Gabe off when he turned around in puzzlement. He walked out into the corridor, taking a moment to lean against the door and breathe recycled air that didn’t smell of sweat and sex and Gabriel Reyes.

Jesse scrubbed himself quickly in the shower, finding new marks everywhere he looked. Aside from Gabe’s obvious secret life as a dog who thought Jesse was a chew toy, he found bruises on his shins and hips that came from slamming up against something. Drunken clumsiness, perhaps, or something else. Jesse dressed rapidly, the idea of coffee at the forefront of his mind.

Gabe was already sitting at the table with a mug in front of him. “Found your pants,” he said, nodding at where they were draped over a corner of the fridge. Jesse snatched them down and folded them before setting them on a corner of the counter. “Don’t feel bad,” said Gabe as he idly stirred his coffee. “I found mine half in the open dishwasher.”

An unexpected chuckle forced its way out of Jesse’s throat at that, and he glanced over to see Gabe’s mouth twitch up as well. They drank their coffee to the comforting sound of the refrigerator running. Jesse debated about making breakfast, but his stomach was still not happy with him. Draining his cup, Jesse walked over to the sink to rinse it out, and froze.

“What’s the holdup… oh.” The two men stared down at the used condom sitting in the sink like it was a snake ready to bite.

“You throw it away. It’s yours.” Jesse stared at Gabe in surprise at his statement.

“What? No. You mean it’s not yours?”

Gabe raised an eyebrow. “I can tell when I’ve bottomed, Jesse.”

“Me too.” They gawked at each other for a moment, Jesse looking away first.

He rubbed a hand over his face. “Although there- there wasn’t a condom used. With me,” he muttered in a low voice. He grabbed it out of the sink and threw it away before he could think about it, washing his hands after.

Gabe cleared his throat. “If it helps, SEP kills basically everything, so. You’re probably fine.”

“Probably. That's a comfort.” Jesse walked out of the kitchen and into the lounge just so he could get some distance. “Oh good, there’s my undershirt.” Picking it up from the back of the couch he checked the tag. “No wait, this is yours.” Spying an identical shirt draped over the back of a chair, he double-checked to make sure it was his before folding it and putting it with his pants. Gabe took his shirt, rounding the couch.

“Oh hey, this is mine too.” Gabe picked up his sweatshirt, staring at the ground before slowly picking up the condom underneath with two fingers and walking to the trash can. Jesse had located his cuffed sleeve shirt and was about to fold it when he noticed that it must have been used for cleanup and he crumpled it up with a sigh.

“Anything comin’ back?” he called out to Gabe, grabbing his boots and setting them by the rest of the clothing. Aaand there was another condom, that had almost made it into the small trash can by the pot rack. Jesus, how many times had they fucked? Jesse hurriedly lobbed it in.

“Not really. Last I remember was the roof.”

“Same.” They went up the stairs around the corner up to Jesse’s usual spot. He’d appropriated a bench and a few chairs from an abandoned garden years ago, and had set them around an industrial waste can stolen from Torbjörn that he would sometimes use as an impromptu fire pit. It wasn’t anything complicated, but it was his. Gabe joined him occasionally up here, as did Genji, though rarely any other Blackwatch member. Everyone knew it was Jesse’s area, and left it alone.

This morning it was covered with a light dusting of frozen dew, the many glass bottles scattered around beaded with water and ice. Jesse slung his damp serape over his shoulder and started to collect them as Gabe went back downstairs for a trash bag.

“I guess this was the night we decided to test out your alcohol tolerance,” Jesse said over his shoulder as Gabe opened the door. They’d joked for years about pushing the limits of SEP - Gabe’s system burned alcohol out of his system incredibly quickly, but last night they had apparently found the point at which it couldn’t keep up with the sheer volume.

“I haven’t been hungover in thirty years, and I’m really not enjoying it,” came the grumpy reply as Gabe found his beanie and shoved it in a pocket.

“Guess you have to suffer with us mortals, now.” Surveying the empty fifth bottles around him, he continued, “Or maybe not. This would be damn expensive to do on a regular basis. I think you wiped us out of this month’s booze supply.”

“I’ll buy more. Not the team’s fault we decided to be idiots.” Jesse wondered if he was referring to the drinking, the sex, or both. They surveyed the area, which if not pristine was back to its usual level of order.

They trooped back downstairs, Gabe dropping the bag of bottles into the recycling. They each gathered their clothing and stood awkwardly for a moment.

Gabe broke first. “We should check the comms room. We can find out what happened and…”

“Erase the evidence?” Jesse met his commander’s eyes with a crooked smile.

“It is what Blackwatch does best.”

Jesse didn’t go to his quarters, instead going straight to the laundry facilities to shove his clothing in. He started the machine then took the main hallway towards the business side of the facility. He logged into the system, but was blocked when he tried to access the recordings. He had more system privileges than the average Blackwatch agent, but some things were reserved for the top members.

Gabe walked in, seeing the login screen up. “You could have gotten on with my credentials. I know you know them.”

Jesse shrugged. He did, but had been hoping to save that info for a rainy day. He wasn’t sure what it meant that Gabe knew he knew but had still not changed them. Gabe typed rapidly and brought up the surveillance system’s main page. He navigated through subpages that Jesse was soon lost in, but found what he was looking for quickly. A screen came up that showed the current feed of Jesse’s rooftop spot.

A frown crossed Jesse’s face. “I didn’t know that area was part of the system.” He’d picked it years ago specifically because he thought it wasn’t under surveillance. He never really used it for anything untoward, but it was nice to know that there was somewhere other than his bedroom or bathroom that he could be unmonitored.

Gabe kept typing, face lit flickering blue from the screen. “The system has expanded over the years. It might not have originally been watched, but it is now.” He’d gone back in time enough that Jesse and Gabe were on the screen. Gabe sat back and let the video play. It was timestamped 2230, full dark, and they were dimly lit by the unsteady flames coming from the can. Jesse was sipping from one bottle while Gabe worked his way through a steadily growing pile.

Real-life Gabe stroked a finger up and down the screen. “This camera doesn’t have audio, looks like.” He moved the slider at the bottom, and the figures on the screen sped up and moved in small jerky movements. He slowed down to real-time when the video-Gabe unsteadily stood up. He stumbled to the edge of the roof, appearing to yell something and pitch a bottle over the edge of the building and down the cliff. Video-Jesse stood up and walked over, and when Gabe threw another bottle with a bit too much vehemence, he grabbed him to keep from going over the edge along with the glass. The two figures stumbled backwards towards safety.

Although Jesse was watching carefully, he couldn’t tell who made the first move in the dim light. One moment they were bumbling away from the edge of the building, the next they were wrapped around each other. Gabe pushed Jesse’s serape off in favor of getting his hands under his shirt, and Jesse tossed Gabe’s beanie away and pulled his head to the side by the hair. They eventually floundered over to the stairway, Jesse’s leg slamming into a chair on the way. That explained the shin bruise, at least. Gabe flicked through screens until he found the stairwell feed. They were only on screen for a minute, somehow managing to make it down in one piece despite drunkenness and hands in inappropriate places.

Gabe flicked through more screens, trying to get to the lounge. Jesse watched his expressionless face from the corner of his eye. What was he thinking? Jesse knew how he felt - he’d wanted into Gabe’s bed for years now, but given their respective positions, the generally ill-advised move of seeing someone in the same group at all, and the fact that they virtually never had downtime, he figured it would never happen. It was almost worse that he’d actually made it there, but couldn’t remember a damn thing. He was hoping that seeing what happened would spark a memory but nothing was coming so far. This would almost be a fun mystery-solving expedition, if it wasn’t about fucking his commander.

The screen steadied as Gabe and Jesse came through the door into the lounge, crashed into a wall, and stayed there for awhile. They both lost their overshirts, and Gabe had Jesse’s undershirt pushed up to his chin as he sucked marks into his chest. The angle meant that they couldn’t actually see much, and Jesse found his attention wandering. It was brought back to the screen as they made their way into the room, and Gabe pushed Jesse down onto the couch. Jesse lay splayed out, hand lazily rubbing over the front of his pants. In the comms room Jesse found himself flustered at the actions of his on-screen self. He looked absolutely shameless, as his hand worked at himself and his hips thrust up. On screen Gabe went directly to a drawer that was below the spice rack that was full of junk as far as Jesse knew, and pulled a handful of condoms and lube packets from it.

Jesse swivelled his chair towards Gabe, eyebrow raised in an unspoken question. Gabe didn’t turn away from the screen, but did tilt his head slightly away. “Angela was tired of people coming into the clinic for ...certain personal issues and decided to stock us up in an easily-accessible place.”

Back on screen Gabe was straddling Jesse, and it wasn’t clear what was happening with their hands but it was apparent they both were enjoying it. Pants were stripped off and tossed, and when Gabe stood to take off his underwear Jesse took the opportunity to scoot forward on the couch and do his best to inhale his dick. Jesse cocked his head as he watched. He wasn’t aware his gag reflex was that good - maybe the alcohol was helping. Gabe used his hands to guide Jesse’s head as Jesse opened a packet of lube by feel and tugged one of Gabe’s legs up to brace on the edge of the couch.

Jesse watched himself open Gabe up finger by finger, and felt like a voyeur. Even though it was himself on screen, he still felt like an intruder into the moment. When he was three fingers deep, Jesse’s head was pulled back by Gabe’s surprisingly gentle hands. Gabe leaned down to give him a slow kiss as Jesse continued to finger-fuck him, and present-day Jesse in the comms room had to try and nonchalantly cross his legs to hide his erection.

Trying to disguise his growing arousal, Jesse almost didn’t notice that Gabe was sinking down onto Jesse on screen. He started paying attention as they got into the rhythm, Gabe’s hips moving with a sensuous rolling motion. Jesse tried to reconcile that with the stiff-backed man next to him and the in-control superior he’d worked with for a dozen years, and came up looking at the figures in front of him like they were strangers. He barely even recognized himself, hands working Gabe’s hips like they were two parts of the same machine, face looking up at Gabe’s, infused with...something. Jesse told himself it wasn’t love. He suddenly didn’t want to look at this anymore.

“You,” Jesse cleared his throat. “You, uh, can fast-forward maybe. See if we went anywhere else.”

With a rigid nod, Gabe moved the slider on the screen. The figures moved like badly done animatronics, moving back and forth through different positions. They even made it to the kitchen, Gabe bending Jesse over the table and solving the Mystery of the Sink Condom. Jesse realized he really should go over the table with sanitizer before anyone ate on it. Gabe slowed it back down as they stood up and made their way to the hallway. Gabe was naked and Jesse had his boxers falling off his hips as they went through the door. Gabe located the hallway feed with a few clicks, and they watched themselves stumble to Gabe’s door, taking three tries to input his code and biometrics correctly.

The feed stayed on the empty hallway, the corner timestamp slowly ticking by. As there were no cameras in quarters, this was all there was.

“We should -” Gabe was cut off by a red flashing light from his tablet. He grabbed it and glowered at the screen, shoving a ‘just a minute’ finger at Jesse as he hit a button and snapped out, “Commander Reyes.”

Jesse heard Jack’s voice and the sound of gunfire as Gabe stood and made his way out into the hallway. Jesse sat for a moment in the quiet, before reaching out and grabbing one of the many spare memory sticks lying on the desk. Telling himself that it was just so he could try and jog his memory, Jesse dragged a copy of the file from the lounge to the stick’s drive, ejecting it and shoving it deep in a pocket as soon as it transferred. He sat back and propped his head up in a hand on the arm of his chair as he waited. Gabe opened the door a few minutes later, the set of his jaw indicating unhappiness.

“Everythin’ okay? Isn’t Jack back in Indiana for the holiday?” Jesse asked.

“He was. He went up to Vancouver to visit Ana and Fareeha, and they ran into some backwoods hicks with more C4 than sense. They’re fine, he’s over at the facility in Seattle now.” Gabe seemed more to attack the chair with his body than sit in it. Despite the shower and coffee he still didn’t look good, Jesse noted, skin too pale and tight lines around his mouth.

Jesse slowly stood, feeling awkward but feeling more like he needed to get out of this windowless room. “Gabe, I… I need sleep and food and time. Can we process this for a bit and talk later?”

Gabe nodded, though he didn’t meet Jesse’s eyes. “I’ll erase everything from an hour on either side, call it a glitch.”

Jesse gave a tight nod and made his way to the door as Gabe started tapping at the screen.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Late that night, Jesse was feeling more like himself. He’d gotten some food on his stomach - cleaning the entire kitchen afterwards out of vague guilt - and taken a nap. His dreams were filled with flashes of moments: a scrape of hair on his neck, a warm hand cupping his hip, a feeling of satiation. He wasn’t given to sex dreams usually, so he assumed these were bits of memories coming back. He hadn’t remembered anything else, though, and he sat spinning the memory stick around on his desk.

Giving in to the inevitable, Jesse plugged it into the side of his tablet. He brought up the video file and let it play. A loud burst of groans and heavy breaths from the tablet’s speakers had Jesse scrambling to pause the video in a panic, frantically looking around even though he knew he was alone in the room. He knew Gabe was working out in one of the training rooms so he really was alone on this side of the base, but he still felt like he was just caught watching porn in public.

Jesse dragged the volume down to a more tolerable level. Gabe must have left it on mute, thinking none of the video had sound after that first camera didn’t. Settling back, heart still beating too fast, he hit play. He watched idly as they made out against the wall, shifting uncomfortably to hear his own voice encouraging Gabe in a rasp as he was marked up. Jesse liked to have evidence of his partners, afterwards. Made it seem real after the moment passed, mementos to get off to later. He absently pressed a finger to a hickey below his nipple as he watched Gabe bite it into existence on screen.

Watching himself writhe wantonly on the couch, Jesse felt even more uncomfortable the second time as he listened to himself make small needy noises. Still, when Gabe sat on Jesse’s lap, Jesse turned the volume up, unable to make out the low tones.

“-anted this...so long…” a throaty murmur from Gabe that the mic couldn’t quite pick up.

“Come on, Gabe, we’re finally here,” Jesse’s deeper voice was clearer, and Jesse would have felt angry towards his past self for being open with so-long-carefully-kept emotions if it wasn’t for Gabe’s enthusiastic response, falling into Jesse’s mouth with the seeming intent to devour it.

The groans and moans and breathing were bad enough, but Jesse nearly shut the video off at the sound of obscene squelching when he opened Gabe up. He was filled with dueling feelings of intense arousal and even more intense secondhand embarrassment, and had a hand reached out ready to turn the video off or at least lower the volume when he heard it.

“Love you.”

Eyes wide, Jesse rewound. It was when Gabe pulled him back from the blowjob to kiss him. Gabe’s hands were in the way as he held Jesse’s face to kiss him, and with their voices wrecked from lust, the low volume level, and the far from state-of-the-art mic, Jesse could not for the life of him tell whether it was him or Gabe that said it. He rewound over and over, watching and listening closely. The other person spoke after, but the sound was quiet enough that only a soft rumble came through. Did the other person say it back? Which of them said it in the first place?

“Love you.”

“Love you.”

“Love you.”

Jesse shut the video down and put the tablet face down on the table. His cock was as hard as it’d ever been in his life but he ignored it in favor of a minor panic attack. He gripped the edges of his chair, breathing deliberately deeply as he tried to calm his heart rate. Had he told Gabe he loved him? That was...was it true? He knew that he loved Gabe the way you love the people who you knew in your heart would lay down their life for you without a second thought. He loved him the way you love a superior officer who you knew deep in your bones would always have your back and already had for so many years. He loved him the way you loved your friends that you had shared beds and clothes and drinks and bullets with, that you trusted in your soul.

But that wasn’t what was on the tape. That was a different love. One that Jesse never thought about because he didn’t know if he was capable of it, really. Of ever finding someone that he would be good enough to deserve, to give that love to.

Jesse undressed with shaking hands. He stared at the wall for a long time before falling asleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Two days later, and they hadn’t talked about it. Genji had come back the day previous, pleased with the smooth action on his robotic arm. Jesse spent his time doing all the things you were supposed to do at the New Year: cleaning, organizing, losing himself in minutiae. He was carefully cleaning the parts of Peacekeeper spread out on a cloth on the kitchen table when Gabe’s steady footsteps came up behind him.

“Jack wants to see us.”

“Is he back?” Jesse didn’t think anyone would be back for another few days at least, sleeping off the New Year’s hangovers and dealing with travel.

“No. Videoconference.” Gabe turned, expectation of Jesse to follow him clear.

Jesse wondered what was up as he paced behind Gabe through the halls. It could be a mission, he supposed, but he would assume it would have been distributed through the normal channels. Special mission? Supply run? His skin felt cold as he thought about the night a few days back. Gabe had deleted the files, covered their trail but…

A sudden rush of adrenaline through his veins. He reached a hand out, pulled Gabe to a stop. “Gabe. Did you delete the footage of me leavin’ your room the mornin’ after? Or of us cleanin’ up?”

Gabe looked back at him, eyes wide but resigned. “I got us cleaning up.”

Shit.

After a moment they both started walking again. Maybe it would just be a nice little suicide mission assignment, not about them at all. After all, the only thing that footage would show would be Jesse leaving Gabe’s room. Minus a shirt, yes, but perhaps just a normal morning after a normal night of drinking with a friend. Normal normal normal. That was them.

They settled in their usual chairs in front of the screen. A few gestures and Gabe brought the call up and lowered the lights. Half a minute later, Jack flickered into view. He seemed to be at another facility, not one Jesse recognized from the background. Still in Seattle, maybe?

“Gentlemen,” Jack said. Jack Morrison was never the most boisterous of people but right now he sounded distinctly...not happy. “I am regretting the need to have this conversation at all, and I am specifically blaming you two for it.”

Jesse’s stomach sank through the floor.

“As you may or may not know, there are certain failsafes installed in all the security systems at Watchpoints. One of them is when surveillance footage is deleted. Even with proper credentials. Several nights ago there were four hours of security footage deleted from HQ in Switzerland. All footage has cloud backup, and when it was deleted it triggered an automatic alert with the deleted footage included. Sent to me.”

Jesse didn’t move, frozen. He was sure his face was either dead white or blazing red, but had no idea which. He could see Gabe’s jaw move as he ground his teeth.

Jack persisted. “I also had the alert that the footage was copied twice before deletion.”

Gabe turned his chair slightly towards Jesse and scowled. “Copied.”

Jesse narrowed his eyes right back at him. “Twice.”

They turned back to the screen, Jack continuing as if he hadn’t heard them. “On a professional level I have to deliver reprimands to your files for tampering with official Overwatch surveillance systems and misuse of company property.” Jack rubbed his forehead with a pained look. “On a personal level I would like you to know that I regret every second of that tape and blame you both for making me watch it. Please know, Gabe, Jesse, that I am giving you an absolute goddamn _gift_ right now for not having you brought up on fraternization charges.”

He kept talking, a more serious tone in his voice. “The only reason you are getting away with this is because no one was on base and I stopped this before it went to the IRB. You know, the UN-backed review board that does our internal relations and gets sent everything involving internal security after it goes to me? If I hadn’t manually stopped the alert right here you have no idea how bad this could have been.”

Jesse felt cold sweat creep down his back. He didn’t even think of that, of any of that.

Jack sighed and looked very tired. “If you had just left everything alone, no one would have known, no one is monitoring a base with two people during the holiday. But this was like printing out emails and shredding them, then sending the original files to your boss. More than anything else I’m disappointed that the top two members of a black ops group could fuck this up so badly. What the actual hell, Gabriel?”

Not seeming to expect an answer, Jack pressed on. “I don’t want to know any details, for the love of god, but if this becomes an issue between you two at all, for any reason, you will rue every moment of it. Keep everything off of tape and out of missions. Happy early New Year. Morrison out.” The screen went dark.

They sat in the dim light together, thinking their own thoughts.

Gabe started first, in a quiet voice. “I watched it again, trying to remember. I’ve...you know I haven’t gotten drunk for decades, and between SEP and my hard head, concussions have never been a problem. I’ve never had something that I knew happened to me and couldn’t remember. Ever. It’s so frustrating, seeing where my body is just a puppet and I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s been driving me nuts.” Gabe was a completionist, a master of control who needed to know the exact lay of the land, the exact parameters of a mission. He could always roll with the punches, but he wanted to know the body first. It made sense that this would be what stuck in his craw. Not the fact they had fucked more times than Jesse could count in one night, but the fact he couldn’t fill in the blanks.

“Same, I think. I’ve got some- flashes, I guess. When I dream. But nothin’ worthwhile. It’s just...hard, to see and hear yourself and not remember. I guess we’ll just chalk it up to blackouts and move on.”

Gabe turned to look Jesse in the face, brows knitted together. “What do you mean, hear? There’s no audio.”

Jesse made a noise that no one would call a laugh. “Oh, there’s audio, Gabe. Not in on the roof but definitely in the lounge. Your tablet’s always on silent so maybe you didn’t realize.”

He stood, paused. “You...might not want to listen. Or do it. I don’t know. I don’t know anything, anymore.”

Jesse turned and left on trembling legs, leaving Gabe alone in the dim room.

-x-x-x-x-x-

New Year’s Eve. It had never been an important holiday for Jesse, and he wasn’t ready to start now. As a kid and teenager he’d barely known what year it was, let alone that it was turning over. With Blackwatch he had spent the first handful of New Years’ on missions, then later was here at HQ with Gabe and Genji and whoever else might be around. Sometimes they’d put the fireworks on the screen in the lounge and clink beer bottles at the countdown, but it was just as likely they’d be off doing their own thing. Jesse knew Genji always spent the evening meditating, likely what he was doing right then.

On any other day, any other year Jesse would be on his bench in his spot, fire warming his legs. He didn’t want to go there now, though. Partly was because of the last time he was there, but also because he now knew it was under surveillance. It tainted it for him. It wasn’t that he was afraid of being watched, but he needed somewhere, anywhere that was his own.

Jesse had originally thought to go find somewhere outside that he knew had no video, but it was just too damn cold. He found himself in a small lounge on the fourth floor, somewhere above the training facilities. Angela had told him about it years ago when he was healing from a broken leg and needed somewhere quiet with no one around to recuperate. It had no screens, just a window taking up an entire wall that looked out over the Swiss valley, the lights of distant Zürich a light-pollution glow muted by snow. Fat snowflakes drifted down, random trails and patterns that soothed the eye as Jesse stared out into the darkness. Occasional flashes of fireworks jetted across the sky as midnight drew closer.

Jesse had forced himself to finish listening to the video, just so he could have the full picture. No one said the word again, not like that, but they said things to each other. Things that made Jesse feel like he had been skinned and he couldn’t find a place for his bare muscle to settle. Things about want and need and care and soft soft words that didn’t fit the Gabe, much less the self that Jesse knew. Things that drifted through his mind at weak moments but that he would never say out loud, never say sober.

He felt like it was inevitable when the door hissed open, when he heard footsteps on the soft carpet and the creak of the couch next to him.

A cold bottle nudged against his knee, and Jesse took the offered beer. “You want us to get in more trouble?”

“That was liquor, not beer. And what’s a New Year without something to bring it in?”

They sat and drank in silence for a few minutes. Jesse debated about asking how Gabe found him, but Gabe would always be able to find him if he wanted to.

“I listened to the video.”

Jesse took a sip.

“It...helped. Because before I was staring at a body and not knowing why it was moving like it did. But I heard me saying things that I’ve thought before, and I got that it was me. Still don’t remember, but. Now I don’t regret it.”

Jesse took another sip.

“I know you, Jesse. And I know you’re - you’re not handling this well. You don’t do the whole laid-bare-honesty thing, you never have. So to stop you before you think yourself to death: yeah, I meant what I said. And I’m not expecting anything. Ever. Just...don’t beat yourself up, like I know you’re doing.”

Jesse tightened his fingers on the empty bottle.

He felt Gabe stand, heard a vibration from the tablet in his pocket. A flash of light from the corner of his eye as Gabe activated the screen.

“Well, then. Happy New Year, Jesse.” A press of lips at his temple and then the door was hissing open and shut again. Jesse sat with an empty bottle in his fingers and looked out at the swirling snow and lights.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jesse went back to his room not long after and showered. He sat on the bed in his softest pants and a threadbare shirt and tried not to think. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Didn’t want to drink. Didn’t have any pills. Couldn’t focus to read or watch. His list of ways to not think had vanished, narrowing down to an option that shouldn’t be an option.

He stood and opened the door to his room, feet moving automatically. He almost felt like he was watching the video again, watching his body do things but his brain wasn’t actively participating.

A single knock. A pause before the shuffle of feet. An open door.

Jesse looked up into eyes that were too understanding. “Help me not think anymore.”

Arms drew him inside, and the door shut softly behind them.

They stood in the dark, not moving, arms loosely around each other and Jesse’s forehead tucked just under Gabe’s ear.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” 

A rumble from under his hands. “And you think I do? It took enough alcohol to put any two normal people in the hospital to get me to make a move.” Hands on his face, pulling him back to look into Gabe’s serious eyes. “But that doesn’t mean this wasn’t a long time coming, okay? That it wasn’t on purpose, that I didn’t mean it.”

Jesse had to close his eyes against what he saw. “I don’t...I don’t know if I can be that to you. If I can give that.”

Strong fingers stroked his cheekbones. And if they brushed away a few bits of wetness neither of them would admit it. “We don’t all handle emotions the same, Jesse. The way I deal with things isn’t the way you do, and you shouldn’t force yourself to try.”

Jesse’s eyes closed tighter at the soft, chaste lips on his forehead. “What do you want from me, just right now, Jesse? What do you need?”

His brow furrowed and Jesse pushed forward blindly. His mouth caught the edge of Gabe’s beard at first but he corrected the angle and found his lips. Maybe he did remember something, back in his fuzzy whisky soaked brain, or maybe they just fit together that well. But Jesse had never had such an easy, familiar kiss, mouths sliding together like a key into a lock. His hands were fumbling their way under the shirt at Gabe’s waist - not to get him naked but to feel the warm skin, to know it was real. Gabe’s hands held either side of his face, and Jesse was afraid if he took them away his skull might fly apart.

Gabe backed them slowly into the room, stopping when the back of his legs hit the bed. He just stood there as they kissed, until Jesse put a hand on his chest to push him down.

Sitting back on the bed in moonlight reflected off of snow, hands braced behind him, Gabe looked up at Jesse with an expression that made him wish this was a video so he could pause it or shut it down. He almost turned and ran, but a memory stopped him - his own face when he looked up at Gabe moving over him on the couch. Jesse was capable of feeling like that, somewhere in him, even if he didn’t think so. 

Jesse pulled off his shirt, put a knee on the bed in between Gabe’s legs, and pushed Gabe down into the bed. Hearing the breath catch in Gabe’s throat gave him the courage to lean forward and meet his lips. They lay there, lips slowly exploring each other, for what felt like hours. At some point Gabe lost his shirt, and the grounding of skin-to-skin contact helped Jesse center himself. He noticed as if at a distance that their hips were pressing into each other in an uneven rhythm, but it wasn’t important.

Gabe moved his head away from Jesse’s, hand on his neck. “Can we get under the covers? It’s chilly.”

Jesse nodded and got off the bed so Gabe could pull the bedclothes back. He shucked his pants and underwear before getting in, prompting a low chuckle from Gabe.

“Don’t know if that’ll help the cold issue.”

“Haven’t you done cold-weather missions? Skin is the best heat generator.”

Gabe stepped out of his own pants before getting in. “Let’s prove it.”

They were hard, they both were, but it was a low priority over lining their bodies up, feeling rough calluses against paler skin normally hidden by armor, nails snagging in hair and tracing the lines of bones. Jesse’s hand fit perfectly against Gabe’s side, fingers sliding into the spaces between muscles. Gabe pulled him close with a hand splayed around a shoulder blade, rubbing knots of tension away with easy movements.

A buzzing was rising in Jesse’s lower back and moving up his spine, something that said  _ more _ , that said  _ need _ . He pulled a hand from its home wrapped around Gabe’s hipbone, and instead wrapped it around the base of Gabe’s cock. Gabe came to a halt piece by piece - hips stopping, then hands, then mouth. 

“You sure?” he breathed into Jesse’s lips, asking like someone who hadn’t had their come dripping out of Jesse a few days before.

Jesse wasn’t sure of his language capabilities so he answered with his mouth, teeth scraping at jaw and throat in cadence with his hand. Gabe made the most delicious sounds, pants and muttered words that helped Jesse feel like he was doing the right thing, was someone who deserved this.

Breath grew ragged, then muted as Gabe set his teeth into Jesse’s shoulder, thankfully not the one already bitten. This was a thing for Gabe, apparently. They were pressed so close together that Jesse could feel his stomach contract as he came, wetness smearing between them. He stroked Gabe through the aftermath, grip loosening as oversensitive skin shivered. Gabe kissed around the new marks in Jesse’s shoulder, mouth finding its way up to his face. 

“Let me take care of you,” Gabe murmured as his hands ran over Jesse’s torso. They ran everywhere, covering him like water, slowly moving downwards. Jesse couldn’t help the whine from deep in his chest that came out as Gabe’s hand found his cock. He tried to turn his face away but Gabe cradled his face with a hand, murmuring nonsense into Jesse’s mouth as their lips caught on each other. 

It didn’t take much. Jesse came to the sound of Gabe mumbling “I’ve got you I’ve got you you’re with me want this want you need you” into his cheek, the orgasm pulled from him by the words as much as the friction. He shook, afterwards as he came down from it, and would have felt shame if he didn’t paradoxically feel in control for the first time in a week.

Pulling away, Jesse grabbed his shirt from the floor and used it to wipe them off. He could barely lean over to put the shirt down, Gabe held on to him so tightly. They lay there, thinking their own thoughts as Jesse’s fingers twisted the sweat-damp curls at the nape of Gabe’s neck. Jesse knew he had problems with emotional connection, something that broke in him as a kid and had been slowly healing and scarring over in the decades since. He was...growing. He wasn’t sure everything he felt about Gabe but knew that it was more than he’d felt about anyone else. And Gabe… Well, Gabe obviously had deeper and more thought-out emotions. Jesse wanted to feel uneasy at the unevenness between them, but...he thought that he might get there, in the end. 

“Jack’s not going to be happy.”

“Jack can go to hell. We’ve worked together for years and years and this is the first impropriety from either of us. Given that we’re not going to be drunk again anytime soon, I think we’ll be fine. We’ll do what he said, stay off tape and professional.”

“This is,” Jesse stopped, not sure how to phrase what he wanted to say. “It’s gonna take some...time for me. I’m not...not where you are yet, not what you want yet.”

Lips at his temple. “I told you, I’m not expecting anything. I know you. And you don’t know what I want.” Tightening arms. “You’re what I need.”

The snow fell outside, fireworks lit the air silently. A new year dawned.


End file.
